I’ve partially blogged about this subject before in regards to my binge eating disorder but I feel I just touched on the subject. My ‘competitiveness’ with everyone. Well, my obsessive nature to compare myself to others I hate it but I can’t help it. I thought seen as I’m in a loving and committed relationship my ability to compare myself to other girls (especially those who had boyfriends that adore them) but in a way I’m still just as bad but now with the added element of crossfit I’m comparing my strength to other girls. Its ridiculous, any of my friends that I train with or friends who train elsewhere if they hit a new PB or achieve something that I’ve been working on I flip and push myself till I get to that level. For my training yeah it’s gave me extra incentive but I’m falling back in to old habits which is bringing back the my old mentality of “Why does my hair never look that good?”, “Why isn’t my stomach that flat?”, “Why doesn’t my makeup go that right all the time?”
Today a comment from Karl actually made me realise that as much as I thought I had changed, I was lying to myself. I was sat upon instagram and a stunning girl I follow who powerlifts commented on her flat chest is made up by her ass accompanied by a photo of said ass and my first instinct was to ask Karl if he thought her ass was better than mine. It was like second nature, I knew deep down he’d say mine even if it was a lie but I felt a compulsive need to ask him to compare myself. His reply was “Yours but why do you need to always compare yourself to others?” And I genuinely thought (pardon the french) “Shit its happening again” I’m never happy with myself which then in turn makes me look at other girls and women as competition. I’m sat right now angry at myself as I know fine well the girls I’m looking up to will have their own hang ups and I know that physically I’ve never been stronger and I know that I now have that ‘perfect’ relationship but I’m being deadly serious when I say I can’t help it.
Whats upsetting is I know this behaviour has washed off on my little sister and it kills me that she’ll be going through the same frustrating cycle as I am right now. One day I’ll beat it but right now it’s too hard not to compare myself.
Alexandra Justine xo